How NOT to grow grass

I understand that at Ohio State you can actually major in turf management. People devote 4 years of their lives to learning how to properly care for grass that is under constant wear and tear on a golf course or football field.

Alas, I majored in Russian and Linguistics in college and am now faced with the daunting task of trying to figure out how to keep grass growing in our backyard which serves as a combination soccer field, baseball diamond and football gridiron. Not to mention weekly games of freeze tag, kickball and the occasionally bike that finds its way into our yard, especially when the grass is wet. In spite of all the best efforts of Uncle Gabe to help us re seed every fall and winter, we seem to be doomed to a bare patch in the middle of our back yard, coincidentally right about on the pitcher's mound.